We, as people, have always been this way, quick to judge by appearances and even quicker to criticize when something doesn’t sit right with us. But are we wrong for that? Not really. It’s a defense mechanism. It’s easier to feel anger than to sit with hurt. So we move through life noticing what’s wrong first, constantly looking for ways to protect ourselves from pain.
Last year, I was at a friend’s house. We were a big group of people brought together simply because our boyfriends and girlfriends were close. It was Christmas, and everyone exchanged gifts. I was genuinely excited to take part.
When the day came, guess what I received? A horrific gift. I was genuinely on the verge of tears. Not liking someone is one thing, but intentionally ruining someone’s moment is another. A girl I barely speak to, but see almost daily, gifted me a male perfume.
Okay, you might say I’m exaggerating. But what truly disgusted me was that the perfume was half-used.
On that same day, I also received the most beautiful skincare products from someone who genuinely loves and appreciates me. Yet, instead of focusing on that kindness, my mind was stuck on the one person who did something hurtful. Despite being surrounded by love, I couldn’t stop thinking about the one act meant to make me feel small.
I was filled with bitterness toward someone who clearly wanted me to feel exactly that way.
I tried to “forgive and forget,” wanting to be the bigger person, but the thoughts kept returning. Why would she do that? Should I confront her?
I won’t lie, doing something petty crossed my mind. I thought it might calm the fire burning inside me. And yes, I did act on emotion rather than logic. Let’s not go into details, but I can confirm one thing: it backfired immediately. That’s what happens when emotions take the driver’s seat. We’ll save that lesson for another day.
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I could have simply put her gift aside and focused on the beautiful skincare set I received from someone who genuinely cared. But I didn’t. Why? Because I wanted answers. I wanted to understand why someone would dislike me enough to stoop that low.
And that’s where people-pleasing comes in.
I believed that being kind, saying yes, and never setting boundaries would prevent people from hating me. I was wrong. Some people see kindness as weakness. They treat us like doormats because we tolerate things we shouldn’t. When we don’t protect our boundaries, it signals that we don’t recognize our own worth.
That experience changed the way I see things. If I had focused on the good, I wouldn’t have blamed myself or reacted emotionally. I would have remained unbothered, smiled the next time I saw her, and moved on. That would have confused her far more than any reaction, because she wanted one. And I gave it to her. I became the genie who fulfilled her wish.
That’s when I realized: we always have a choice. We can focus on the good or the bad.
I chose to learn the lesson the hard way. But once I applied it, I noticed how much energy it saved me. And if you believe in emotional alchemy, you know that negative experiences carry immense energy that can be transformed into growth.
This doesn’t happen overnight. It takes repetition and shadow work. Shadow work, especially, is one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves. All you need is a pen, paper, and the courage to ask why. Keep asking until you reach the root of your reaction.
Or, simply put, this is how you become unbothered:
Focus on the good as much as you can.
Nothing irritates those who want to disturb your peace more than your calm.
We don’t need fixing. We need understanding. If we don’t take the time to understand why we react the way we do, who will?
That’s why I created a workbook called Focus on the Good Instead of the Bad. It breaks this journey down into reflections and shadow work prompts that require you to be raw, not just honest. Say the things you’re afraid to say out loud. Write what feels “cancel-worthy.” Let it out.
So, how do we actually focus on the good?
It’s simpler than it sounds. It’s repetition and consistency rewiring the brain. Let’s say Alex has habits that stress you out and ruin your mood every time. You can’t change Alex, but you can change how you respond. Instead of letting it ruin your entire day, give it one hour, then let it go.
We all have an Alex in our lives. Next time, let’s give them a good show by staying unbothered.
Choose What You Feed
Every day, your attention is fed by thoughts, conversations, environments, and habits.
What you feed grows. What you starve weakens.
Focusing on the good isn’t pretending everything is perfect.
It’s refusing to let negativity dictate your identity, direction, or destiny.
Choose what you feed.
Choose what you repeat.
Choose what shapes your inner world.
Because when focus is intentional, life becomes quieter, clearer, and far more powerful.
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